Museum Mishap Monday #2

Canned to Death

Minerva stood on top of the ladder, dust mask in place, nitrile-gloved and terrified. There were four very good reasons she’d always avoided going into the small exhibit of Aunt Hattie’s Kitchen and she was staring right at them. Four large Ball jars sat on top of the kitchen hutch their metal caps bulging and powdery with… something. The original contents of the jars was hard to gauge. One seemed to have been cherries. Maybe grapes? Or eyeballs. Whatever it had been it was brown and diffuse in shape now.

The exhibit had been put together sometime in the 50’s. Originally there’d been a female mannequin in here wearing a bad gray wig and gingham dress. It’d been removed by the last director in an attempt to superficially update some of the exhibits. The jars of… God, she really hoped it was fruit. Fruit was the least dangerous thing it could be. Fruit was acidic and unlikely to harbor botulism. The jars probably dated back to the creation of the exhibit, making them at least 50 years past their “Best By” date. She tried not to think about how botulism could be absorbed through the skin.

She took a deep breath and held it as she nudged the first jar forward. The contents jiggled but the jar seemed stable. She held it exactly level and backed carefully down the ladder. Minerva drew a shallow breath through the dust mask when her chest began to ache. She stepped off the ladder and tensed as the liquid in the jar shifted with the jostling movement. The metal cap seemed to be intact, if swollen as she slid the jar on to the table within the exhibit. She really should have brought the folding work table downstairs for this. If the jar started leaking she was going to be cleaning historic brown goo off of a lot of historic silverware.

Minerva tried to breathe normally for a few minutes in the doorway to the exhibit, then collected herself to go back up the ladder for the second jar.

“Just two more after this,” she told herself. This time she tried to keep breathing but it was hard to overcome the urge to hold her breath at the top of the ladder. She thought this one might have been peaches. It had a thick coating of black mold at the top of the jar that indicated the seal had failed. It also meant that the contents weren’t quite as sloshy. She set it on the table next to the first and went immediately back up the ladder. The sooner she finished this the sooner she could go home for lunch.

The third trip up the ladder was easier, and the third jar looked almost entirely dehydrated and fibrously solid in nature. It was quickly set on the table beside the first two. She was half-way up the ladder when she heard the hissing. Minerva turned around just in time to see the cracks form on the third jar and throw her arms over her face as it exploded.

The jar lay in about four pieces on the table and the unmistakable scent of decaying flesh permeated the room. Jarred meat. Maybe venison or elk. Minerva started to head for the door. Shock was starting to set in. She should probably find one of her coworkers before…

She realized there was a stinging sensation in her right arm near the elbow. She turned the arm so she could see and found a shard of glass sticking out of the fleshy part of her arm.

“Oh crap.”

Museum Mishap Monday

So while at Norwescon this weekend Jennifer Brozek managed to convince me to blog more and work on my short fiction muscles by posting flash fiction based around my real life work in museums. There are a lot of ways for history to kill you in a museum and so I’m launching “Museum Mishap Monday” where I will kill myself in fiction through a real life museum hazard. I’ve previously come up with a Gashlycrumb Tinies homage to museum hazards so I know I can write at least 26 of these.

The Room With A Moose

The air conditioner kicked on and disturbed fur on the mounted moose head that dominated Minerva’s office. It was a very old mount shot by a 49er while seeking his fortune in Alaska and then passed down among family members until the head and its fifteen foot antler spread was brought to the museum. Officially the donor “wanted to share it with others” but unofficially his wife was just sick and tired of it taking up half a room in their house. Minerva couldn’t blame the wife. The damn moose was HUGE and its large unblinking eyes were disturbing, especially when they caught the streetlights through the window when she turned off the overhead lights for the night.

Older taxidermy such as this had been prepared via an arsenic soap concoction smeared on the inside of the skin to preserve it and ward off pests. Over time chemicals precipitated out and became a white powder on the surface of the skin and coating the hairs.  A fine white powder that drifted down invisibly from the fur fluttering in the artificial breeze.

Minerva got a phone call from the front desk about a man wanting to discuss a possible donation. She set down her half-sandwich and open cup of tea next to the computer and headed downstairs mumbling, “What’s in the box?” in a panicked Brad Pitt impression. Arsenic dust settled on the sandwich and dissolved into the surface tension of the tea. It wasn’t the first time, nor the last that the tasteless dust settled onto Minerva’s food. It’d been years and now the headaches were getting more frequent. The confusion was harder to chalk up to just lack of sleep or monthly hormones.

The air conditioner turned off before Minerva returned through the narrow door carrying a jar of sand collected from Iwo Jima. She finished filling out the temporary custody paperwork, returned to her desk, and ate the sandwich half in three bites.

The taxidermied expression on the moose above her head remained exactly the same.

One Possible Digital Future

So, I had a thought. I’m always doing that– thinking. If I was one of the Big Publishers what would I do to ensure that I would continue to exist into the foreseeable future?

Well, digital isn’t going away. I don’t think print is going away anytime soon either, but its place in the market is shifting and too much of Big Publishing is still reliant on print, so I’d focus my big moves on digital and assume that the print stuff will sort itself out without a lot of help. I’d want to make sure that Amazon had reasonable competition in digital books. I’d need to make new readers.

So one of the most persuasive arguments against digital is that it makes the initial buy-in too high for those in lower-income brackets. Once you get a device that views digital books it makes the over-all cost of reading lower, but the initial buy-in is much higher.

Now given all of these things it seems totally logical that the Big Publishers should support a program to design, manufacture, and give away an e-reader designed specifically for school children. Make an e-token system that works across the digital book stores of all the major publishers and give out so many digital tokens to each schools to buy books initially, and make it easier and cheaper for schools to buy new books in the future. Make it so parents and relatives can buy e-tokens for individual students. Have e-tokens as prizes for give-aways and marketing participation. Basically subsidize a generation of new readers.

Is it reasonable? Yes and No. There are serious problems. Publishers don’t seem particularly inclined to work together. To my knowledge none of the publishers have looked into the hardware side of things. It would be years to put together and work out. It would be a serious outlay of resources that would not be recouped for many years. In the long run I think it would pay for itself in spades. I think it IS possible and it would well, improve the world overall. The best way to do it would likely to create a non-profit organization (funded by the publishers) to design, create, and distribute the e-readers and digital tokens. The digital store would have to be its own corporate entity possibly with each publisher running its own section of it.

The scary thing (for Publishers) is that Amazon could probably start putting a project of this scope together tomorrow. They have the hardware, they’re making the connections, and they have the digital distribution thing down. Amazon is already the main distribution channel for ebooks. It has already made the jump to publishing print books. I don’t think Amazon is a monster (I live in the middle of nowhere I buy A LOT of things off Amazon. I couldn’t live without them at the moment.) but I strongly believe competition makes for a better market and I see a possible future where the Big Publishers hand Amazon years without viable competition simply by not acting soon enough.

Where to Find Me

Just a quick listing of places I’ll be in the next month or so.

 

March 7-11 Rainforest Writers Village – Washington Coast

March 30-April 1 – Emerald City Comic Con – Seattle (Attending and likely near the Timid Pirate Publishing booth)

April 5-8 – Norwescon – SeaTac (Attending)

 

Hope to see many of you in the near future!

 

Tagged For Questioning

I was just futzing about on the internet like a bad writer when I should really be editing this novel… and noticed I got tagged for a question meme. Now, I’m not one to look a procrastination horse in the gift mouth, so onward to the questions! 

If they were making a movie about your life, who would you choose to play you?

Benedict Cumberbatch 

 
If you could be given another talent or ability, what would you want it to be?  Have you ever – really – tried to perfect this ability in yourself?
 
I wish I could pick up languages in a snap. I have studied both German and Spanish but have poor retention. 
 
If you could take one trip back in time, when and where would you go?
 
Hmm, well if I undo any of my life’s mistakes I wouldn’t be who I am now and I might cause a time paradox, so that’s a bad idea. I am probably the worst person to send back in time ever. I have a hard enough time dealing with not mucking up my dealings with the present. 
 
Do you have a favorite movie that you can watch over and over?
 
Dune, Blade Runner, Master and Commander 
 
If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
 
I would never choose this. Lack of change always causes problems. 
 
What is one of your favorite quotes?
 
“We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.” –Frank Tibolt
 
If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?
 
I am not entirely certain I am not a fictional character. 
 
What sound do you love?
 
Rain.
 
What superpower would you like to have?
 
Ability to split my consciousness and bilocate. 
 
Do you have a favorite artist? Who?
 
I do not have a favorite, I have too many favorites to name. 
 
Have you ever wanted to invent something to make your life easier? What?
 
Boozffins: Muffin Booze delivery mechanisms aka carb-loading and drinking at the same time. 

FABULOUS PRIZES!

Image

The gods of package delivery caused a completely bizarre but good for YOU snafu. You see, I’ve ended up with an extra T-shirt that I’m free to give away. Being that I ordered one for myself because I was thinking it’d be funny to wear to the Finding Home: Community in Apocalyptic Worlds reading… as I now have two stories about tardigrade-unicorns. So in honor of my story “Unicorn Chaser” I’m going to give away the T-shirt along with some random goodies.

How do you enter?

  • Comment on this entry, send me a message on Twitter (@grumpymartian) or email me  (minervazimmerman at gmail dot com) or give me some other means of communication I can use to get back in touch with you between now and Midnight Sunday January 15 PST
  • The comment/message/email MUST mention something about unicorns or tardigrades

What can you win? 

  • The t-shirt is as you see above, a black babydoll style size XL. I normally wear a M or so but prefer the larger size in the babydoll style myself. If you are a manly man… you could use it to pretend you’re a cable news reporter on location and thus a member of the tiny black t-shirt brigade. The random goodies are random and will likely be strange, but in a good way.

Who can enter?

  • Anyone. I will mail it worldwide, though the content of the random items will be slightly less weird if I have to fill out a customs form.

How will the winner be chosen?

  • I will compile all of the valid entries and assign them a number and use a random number generator to pick a number of the grand prize winner! I will then contact the winner to get an address.

Wait what… Unicorns and Tardigrades? Yes. If you’re confused you can listen to my story Muffin Everlasting in a podcast from Timid Pirate Publishing:

“It was surreal, even for me, to watch a sparkly unicorn the size of a kitten wobble its way across the incubator on little pearly hooves. The incubator automatically monitored the unicorn’s vital signs so my team and I knew what tweaks to make in the next series of prototypes when this one ultimately malfunctioned. The unicorn flicked its ears and opened its mouth. It had no teeth. I watched as the unicorn’s tongue extended into a pastel pink proboscis and probed the air of the incubator. Knowing the guys over in marketing, they’d just play up the product’s safety: ‘Synergy Creatures Mini- Unicorn has no teeth to bite little fingers.’ ” 

 

2011

In the last year:

I sold my first short story.

I signed my first book.

Got my first reviews.

I went to Norwescon for the first time.

I gave my first impromptu reading.

I went to my first workshop.

Sold two more short stories.

I finished a novel (now in edits): WoS

Did my first public reading.

Got approached to write a novella. (I totally said yes, details when I can share)

 

Villains

How do you write a villain who is capable of throwing your protagonists world into turmoil, but doesn’t turn into a moustache twirling caricature?

A villain (or any other character) must be the protagonist of their own story– it just isn’t the story you’re telling. The key to characters and world building and everything is to make it clear that the story is simply a window of time in a world that existed before and after the story. The characters had lives before and (if they survive) will clearly continue living their lives after it. You need to know all of the decisions in your villain’s life that have put them in the position they are at the beginning of the story and all of the decisions they will make to put them in conflict with the protagonist at all of the key junctures during the story.

I personally, find it easier to plot my villains that my protagonists. They often have clearer goals and it’s easier to have the protagonist react to the villain’s decisions than the other way around. You’ll be shocked how easy it is to create an outline based on your villain’s arc rather than your protagonist– and then just make sure your protagonist’s motivations and goals put them in conflict.

So, to illustrate my point I’m going to use Lucifer. Everybody say “Hi, Lucifer!” Awww, look, he’s blushing– at least I hope he’s blushing. So, in case you’re less than familiar with our esteemed guest, he’s an angel. He used to be the first among angels, the light-bearer and Morningstar. He was God’s right hand dude. In events that are not particularly clear to anyone other than Lucifer and God– Lucifer stops being God’s right hand dude in Heaven and falls to our world where he becomes the tempter of Man. Our protagonist (let’s call him Bob) is a young man of prophecy on a divine quest to find and return the Sword of Heaven.

How do we keep this story from becoming a predictable good vs. evil, find the sword, and save the world thing?

  • There’s a lot of wiggle room in Lucifer’s back story– always leave yourself wiggle room.
  • Lucifer is the protagonist of his own story. If the story is about the Sword of Heaven– Lucifer must have his own quest line to protect the sword from mortal hands and his own set of decisions to make and motivations to make them.
  • Lucifer must have knowledge the protagonist does not about the sword and events of the story. You can have a blindly ignorant protagonist at the beginning of the story who discovers knowledge– but your villain must think they have some of the answers (they can be mistaken or mislead, but they should be acting from a point of “knowing”)
  • The best (or at least most devastating) villains (in my opinion) are those that are within a fingernail’s grip of walking a similar path as the protagonist. There should be one event, one decision that prevented the villain from walking that path. In this case I would NOT make that event Lucifer’s fall. I’d make that one thing within the time frame of the story and something that brings Lucifer directly and personally in conflict with Bob– like say, a mortal (Bob) touching the Sword of Heaven will undo all of the angelic intervention Lucifer has done to keep his adopted mortal son alive and if Bob succeeds, the boy dies.
  • Every single decision Lucifer makes MUST make sense from his perspective. If it looks like sheer evil from Bob’s perspective, that’s a bonus.
  • Write a rough draft of the conversation that happens between Lucifer and Bob at the ultimate climax of the story as either the first thing or very close to the first thing you write. Don’t worry about getting it right. It helps to know where the characters and the plot are going to ultimately end up. You will likely end up rewriting it from scratch when you get to that scene because there’s no way to know the characters well enough to nail it at that point, but it can provide the motivation and guidance to push you through.

None of these have to make Lucifer out to be a good guy. He can be doing horrible and evil things– there just has to be a reason that makes complete sense if you were telling his story rather than Bob’s.

November Week 2

It’s the second week of November which means some of you are bemoaning your NaNoWriMo word counts. Others are looking at the posted word counts of other writers and wringing your hands in dismay.

Stop worrying.

The process of writing isn’t a competition with anyone other than yourself. If you write 50,000 words in a month or a year doesn’t particularly matter. What matters is what you learn about how YOU write.

I’ve done NaNoWriMo (or an alternative January version of it– let’s face it November is a crap month for doing this) four times. I’ve never hit 50,000. The closest I got was 46,000. Writing at that kind of pace for a month drains me dry and makes everyone around me miserable.

I think I started my SRS WRITING with a goal of writing 10,000 words a week. Which, turned out to be crazy talk for me at the time. I lowered it and fought with it and argued with myself over how much I SHOULD be writing. I tried posting word counts publicly. I tried to shame myself into writing more. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Tracking what I wrote DID help. It let me see patterns. I wish now I’d kept even better records of where and when along with how much.

Writing always has an element of self-discovery. Learning your pace and your method is part of that self-discovery. Some people will learn that they can write 50,000 words in a month. I learned that I don’t work that way. Not yet. Maybe not ever. 46,000 words left me drained. It was like running the gas tank empty on the freeway to learn just how many gallons it really held. Sure, the information was valuable– but there are easier methods.

When I was a young actor I was commiserating to an older theater friend about a production I was in, and he told me, “Every director can teach you something even if that’s never to work with that director again.” I think that holds true for life experiences and people.

Hang in there. Push yourself how you need to push yourself to learn what you need to learn about yourself. No matter what happens this month you’ll know yourself and your writing that much better.